String of Hope
by I.Caught.Fire.In.His.Eyes
Summary: Remus holds on to that small string of hope that things will go back to the way they were before Azkaban. AU. Slight off canon personalities. (Expected as only JKR can write them completely canon).


"Professor Lupin, are you alright?"

Remus snapped out of his thought to glance over at Hermione, giving her a smile. "It's Remus, Hermione. I haven't been your professor for over a year," he pointed out.

"Sorry," she blushed, "you didn't answer my question though."

Oh, she's too deductive, Remus thought. "I'm fine."

"You just seem to be in thought."

"Children! Get ready, we're leaving for Diagon Alley in five minutes!" Mrs. Weasley called from the kitchen.

"Remember your coats. London can be quite chilly," Remus said as he the children stood from the table.

"Profe—Remus, are you sure you don't want to come?" Harry asked with hopeful eyes.

Remus knew that it wasn't he, that Harry wanted to go with him. Not really, anyway. It was Sirius, but Sirius wasn't allowed to leave the house. Remus didn't really mind being second-choice, surprisingly. He brought his eyes over to Sirius who was staring at his plate with a blank expression. "No, I'm sure. I'm just going to finish the book I was reading."

"Alright, sir," Harry said as he walked down the table, stopping at the corner to face Sirius.

Sirius must've sensed his presence because at that moment he glanced up and gave his godson a smile, reaching his hand out to ruffle the mop of hair. "Have fun, Harry."

"I'll talk to you later, Sirius," Harry said as he leaned over to hug him.

"Yeah, go on before Molly has my hide for stalling you from getting ready."

Finally, the only two left in the dining room are Remus and Sirius. It was silent besides Remus' fork scraping against the plate as he ate his breakfast. "Are you alright?"

Remus glanced up, giving a nod. "I'm fine," he lied. He wanted to tell Sirius that it should be he, who was asking if Sirius was alright.

He watched as Sirius stood from the table and left without another word. He wasn't sure what he hated more: the fact that Sirius was in pain, or that he hid it so well. Remus was positive nobody knew what the man was going through. Sirius, when around people; put on smiles, made jokes, and acted like everything was okay. Like he hadn't just escaped prison to be locked into a house he hates, like he wasn't a fugitive on the run and could go back to Azkaban at any moment.

Remus knew better. He had come to Grimmauld in June. He found that Sirius looked a bit better than the last time he saw the man: his teeth were fixed with a charm, he had a bath, and he had a few meals in his stomach that helped him gain some of his color back. He looked like a man recovering from just getting out of imprisonment. But was he really recovering? No. It was all an act. Remus knew that Sirius had some traits of Slytherin from his family, no matter how much he denied it; and deception was one of those traits.

It was the middle of July when he found out it was all an act. The full moon had just passed, and while he did have Wolfsbane potion (thanks to Albus ordering Snape to continue making it) he still got the symptoms of the moon the week before and after: restlessness, spurts of energy, spurts of drowsiness, mood swings here and there.

That night, a restlessness feeling hit him. He couldn't get comfortable in his bed, nor could he get comfortable in an arm chair to read. So, he took to walking the halls. It was only him and Sirius in the house at the time, and Sirius usually went to bed right after dinner. Or so Remus thought.

As he walked past the library, he noticed a light under the door. Curiosity overcame him and he pushed the door open quietly to find Sirius sitting in an armchair, nursing a bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus, of course, thought nothing of this. Sirius didn't look like he wished to be bothered, so he left him to walk the halls some more until he could finally sleep.

For the next week, restlessness continued haunting Remus, and each time he walked the halls, he came to the library to find Sirius in the exact same position with a bottle of Firewhiskey, sometimes already have two or three empty bottles scattered along the floor before Remus arrived.

He looked like a shell of the Sirius everyone had come to know since his escape. Eventually he found out that after drinking himself into oblivion, he would fall asleep slumped over the chair. What friend would he be to leave the man in such a state? So, after the fourth night, he began helping Sirius up the stairs. He knew the man more than likely didn't even remember Remus helping him to his room or tucking him in, but that didn't matter to Remus; what mattered was Sirius was getting what sleep he was in a comfortable bed.

It was a month before he found out about the night terrors.

He was up getting a glass of water, and as he came to the stairs, his ears practically twitched as they caught a muffled sound. Remus quickly climbed the stairs, approaching Sirius' closed door and pressing his ear to it. He heard loud screaming and immediately recognized a permanent muffle charm on the door. He pushed it open and glanced around the room, finding Sirius curled in a corner of the room. By the judge of the blanket and sheet scattered along the floor in a trail, he figured the man must've woken up and immediately crawled to the corner, possibly falling straight to the floor.

He gathered the broken man into his arms and rocked him. Sometimes it took a few minutes, sometimes it took a few hours, but eventually Sirius would fall asleep against him in exhaustion, and Remus would be able to put him back in his bed.

Remus knew that Sirius had no memory of those nights either. The next morning, Sirius would come down with a grin on his face, looking as though he were perfectly sane, and ready to take on the world.

He snapped out of his thoughts and sat down his fork, standing up from the table and following through the door Sirius disappeared into. He knew where the man would be, so immediately made his way to the Black library. He – as quietly as possible – walked to the door, opening it to poke his head inside. Immediately he spotted Sirius sitting in his armchair, muttering something under his breath. It sounded like he was reasoning with himself about something.

"Sirius, would you like a nap?" Remus asked curiously.

Sirius' grey eyes widened as he stopped mumbling to himself. It took him a minute to get a grip of reality and he gave a small smile at Remus. "No, 'm not tired."

He knew that had to be a lie, judging by the dark bags under Sirius' eyes, and the fact that he only got two hours of undisturbed sleep a night. "I'm tired. Would you nap with me?"

Sirius pursued his lips for a moment. "You're sure?" He asked, or more whispered. The tone reminded Remus of a child asking his parent if he could sleep with them for the night.

"Please?"

"Alright," Sirius finally agreed, standing up.

Was it selfish to invite Sirius to bed? Remus pondered this for a moment. The two had been together before everything had happened that Halloween night. Together, meaning a relationship. Remus never approached the subject to Sirius; knowing if Sirius wanted to continue what they had, he would approach Remus. But would that ever happen, Remus thought. Sirius seemed detached from the world now. Remus had thought he killed James for twelve years, wishing him dead countless times. 'I wouldn't want to be with me either,' Remus thought to himself.

They finally reached Remus' bedroom, and a nervous feeling ran through Remus' veins. He removed his shoes and his jacket to sit aside before climbing into the bed and laying down on one side of the bed. He turned to face Sirius who was staring at the bed anxiously. Remus patted the bed next to him, gesturing for the man to get inside.

Sirius finally nodded, grabbing the end of his shirt and pulling it over his head to reveal his chest. Something Remus hadn't seen since they were younger. His eyes ran down the man's body, taking in each tattoo the man had gotten in Azkaban, noticing a few of them as signs that meant Sirius was feared by other inmates. He also couldn't help but stare at Sirius' very noticeable ribs.

The bed dipped as Sirius rolled onto it, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. It was awkward only for a moment before Remus followed his instincts. He scooted closer, resting his head on Sirius' chest. He wasn't sure if he was pushing too far, but was reassured when Sirius' arms wrapped around him and he felt Sirius' nose push into his neck, inhaling deeply.

Remus wasn't even tired when he had offered to nap with Sirius, but oddly enough, he turned to putty in Sirius' arms and was out like a light not even minutes later.

He wasn't sure how long he had slept, but he assumed a few hours. Honestly, he could've slept much longer, but the trembling woke him. He glanced up, blinking wearily at Sirius who had tears in his eyes and was watching the corner begrudged.

"Sirius?"

"I-I…" Sirius whispered.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I just… I need to…" Sirius breathed out, pulling away from Remus to get out of the bed and crossing the room to the corner he was staring at it.

"Sirius…" Remus sighed as Sirius dropped to sit on the ground, curling up and leaning against the wall.

Remus wanted to groan in frustration. "Sirius… come to bed?" He asked. He was ignored by the man though. Remus laid his head on the pillow and watched in silence as Sirius rocked back and forth, trying desperately to feel safe again. "Sirius… you're not even in there, are you?" He asked as he sat up on the bed. Again, no response, and now Sirius was muttering under his breath nonsense.

Remus pursued his lips as he rested his head back on the pillow. "Sirius, I love you," he admitted. That caused some reaction. For a moment Sirius stopped rocking. Only for a moment, however. "I love you… and I need you. I need you so I can sleep. Will you please come back to bed? Come back to me so I can get some rest?" He asked.

After a few sharp inhales, Sirius slowly crawled his way back to the bed, crawling into it and furrowing under the blanket, pulling Remus into his arms. The two snuggled against each other, Remus letting out a sigh as he buried his nose into Sirius' neck. "Thank you," he murmured, pressing a kiss to his jawline, gently taking hold of Sirius' chin to pull his head down and kiss his lips.

Sirius raised his hands to cup Remus' cheeks, returning the chaste kiss lovingly. "Moony…"

"Shh. I'm here. Never leave me again, okay?"

"No. Never," Sirius shook his head.

Remus knew it was a lie. He knew that this wouldn't be Sirius' last episode, only the beginning of many. But he held tightly to that string of hope that one day, things would go back to how they were before Azkaban.


End file.
